all i feel is MADNESS

I feel so LOST it's not even funny

LOVE is bullshit!!!
As I search thru music videos for this blog, under the youtube tag -EXHAUSTED-, cause I guess that's how I feel(i guess), I come across these love songs that make me think; "what the hell am I doing?" - "I need to be free from all this" - "everyone out there. Do your self a favor and free your self from the burden of the desire for love" - "to be loved properly" - The gamble isn't even worth it. You will be left feeling more empty than before. But that is not what this blog is about. But isn't it really? Cause PAIN is what makes some people hit a breaking point where they just have had enough, and feel forced into making change. And that being said, because being at therapy program, feeling; (1)can't have love, (2)can't have life/happiness, (3)success, (4)finance/money, this world makes us all feel that we don't deserve any of those things, and that's WRONG. That is not right. We are not bad people, just damaged from this world.(SCHIZO?)

And I need to remember what this site is called; "completely complicated" life.
The truth is, I am so scattered.
None of this even makes sense to me anymore?

Feeling good today
STRONG]
But I've been in so much PAIN the passed couple days
I felt the REBORNING experience
That I've been waiting for
A couple days ago

I just want to celebrate
In this blog
The possibility 
That I am really;
*REBORN*.

Because so far
What I know
Is that
Spiritual Awakening
and
Rebirth
becoming
*REBORN*
Can be very emotionally PAINful and EXHAUSTing
(and say what you want about me)

And I just want to fall into a slumber to wake up on a natural acid trip till the moment I die and not tell a single soul that my ass is freaken TRIPPING OUT BABY :D 

And none of this will make any sense, why would it(BLUR)?

I figured out, that, "The answer is that there is no answer."

I want this to be SAD

FUCK IT

I want you to FEEL this

I want you to KNOW what it is like to fight with EVERYTHING you've got

To BARELY make it ANYWHERE

What are we fighting for?

Is a good question?

And I am so BROKEN I can't even EXPRESS this properly

But here goes...

I made it 16 hours without caffeine
And then I had one cup

But the night before
So depressed
And heartbroken
And sad
And wishing I was just DEAD
Caffeine was the only PATHETIC escape
So I had 4 cups

But I finally hit the reborning breaking point

I am ABSOLUTELY done with caffeine

I just don't want it anymore
I can't bare to have it
I want to say;
"There GOD. LOOK! I am caffeine free. I did this FOR YOU. After so many years I've tried to quit. And I failed you. Well no more. There you go. i am free from all drugs(caffeine IS a drug)

I AM SO CONFUSED!

And I lose LOVE always like there is no tomorrow like a broken hour glass of sand on my hands slipping thru my fingers for all of eternity to see until my dying day this lonesome burden till fingers to skeletons the one true thing I can never have or seem to grasp or hold onto, is LOVE - That is my CURSE.

I'm so out of my mind it's not even funny.
Trust me.
None of this is even how I really feel,
I'm so broken,
that I can only blog pieces of my shattered self.
Fragmented into the realm of unknowing?
NOTHING I know!

I don't even know how to feel anymore.............

This was suppose to be some sort of comedy blog
now i just feel like dirt

Tomorrow is Monday,
and everyone seems to get these;
"cases of the monday's",
but I say,
it is a new week,
filled with new possibilities.