Worry Christmas Everybody: Gon'na start writing a diary

FINALLY A SUCCESS: it is Christmas in 6 hours, and releasing HORRORTUBE freaking ARMY for my horror friends, I have, SMALL YOUTUBER ARMY(Mother-Ship Home-Base), where it all began about 6 months ago, and feel am a social media phenomenon in a way, like being part of an underground scene, may not be making any money, these types of movements take time, someone made shirts for the community today, and I deserve a feeling that I succeeded at something, I started youtube 10 years ago, and nobody besides my mom believed in me, now I have friends that believe in me, but I do have some photos of my horror friends, they don't know I'm starting HORRORTUBE ARMY at the STROKE of midnight tonight, Christmas present to them, and I have a trilogy horror film I been brainstorming for a lot of years. Check my horror friends. 

they are amazing, they make me feel better about life, I owe horror film in a big way to saving my life, I faced trauma in tears lots of nights gripping my cross wanting to die. It was some sort of exposure therapy, that I hear psychology talk about, you don't hide from trauma.

It's a lot of weight helping people. It's a lot of weight building a unity, a community, a support system, because more people join us everyday and come to me, i feel like a youtuber therapist, I mean that is great, a king of dream/goal life coach really. We have many leaders forming, hoping my FOUR horror friends want to be leaders, but working with genres are easier than the diversity of loading a ton of youtubers, has been so touch, we have YOUTUBE ARMY GAMERS now, and launching, MENTAL HEALTH ARMY, and YOUTUBE ARMY: FAMILY VLOGGERS on January 1st. But a key is that each leader can only handle support to so many people, and each leader has different abilities and ways of doing things, and I don't step on anyone's toes, being a leader, the leadership mind, you learn as you go, thru trial and error.
(and a fourth surprise guest horrorgal joining the horror squad)

HORRORTUBE ARMY VIDEO coming, with also surprising the community with a Spring Pisces/Aries Birthday Kickoff Video Challenge, got 3 months to prepare for a viral buzz. And Koapeach Bubbles2 helped on the vid, will post the vid here later gator.

nough said, just needed to vent really. but we also lost two youtubers recently, first we lost CHATTY B to illness, then NARLEE ARLEE to suicide, very sad I know their battle, I live it eevryday for a long time.

this song gives me that weird feeling after heartbreak, a feeling that I can't even put into words, only if unless someone can imagine how I feel from hearing the song and photographs, you may know how I feel?

DIARY: Unhappy Horrordays 2017 - I'm BACK

It is the holidays(BAH HUM BUG), December 16th, 2017, in case 
you are reading this in the future, or the past?

So much going on, been away so long, and learned a lot about life, and even something new that I am facing right now, with a philosophy that, if you are a broken, shattered, damaged human being, like I am, leave those shattered pieces exactly where they are, just walk away, and let go, and accept what is. That is where I am at now, but really I'm just tired of holding on.
And a philosophy and poem coming soon, about turning your broken heart, into your rebel heart, is what I'm fighting to do by January 1st, is the reason I had to unplug from the internet, I don't want to be alive, and all I feel is pain, I can't feel anything else at this point.(but I still strive)

I couldn't accept, and won't ever be able to accept, that most human connection is temporary, how bad I wanted someone in my life, broke me so bad, I'll never be the same, I'll never get over it, I am dead inside, and I won't ever get to see her every again, I am destroyed.  

And this is what I've been dealing with the past 4 months. 

And now I crawl into the new year, after being destroyed by a community, to build my own community now, a pain that, I don't want any haters in there, I have been hurt by people since birth, I am tired of it, haters are not welcome. 

Won YTOTW(youtuber of the week)from John Hagerty and Nay's Days, amazing people that have youtubers backs, and it was really nice at a place I had to vanish from the internet, and still need more time, not to heal, there is no healing, just to gather my strength and be forced to go on with life. 

That's it, I'm too upset to type much more, I'm so done with life. 

This has been unhappy horrordays, because I am one of those; cursed in love, forever alone, always unloved, Frankenstein, Joker, "don't even TOUCH me" types now, and that is the direction I am going down, cause the other direction is BLEAK 

SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE

in honor of Chester Bennington, rewriting Busta Rhymes - We Made it ft Linkin Park, into a 3 character SMALL YOUTUBER ARMY version

Together we made, we made it even tho we had our backs up against the wall.

As you can see I survived the curse,
but my life is GORIEST, 
better know that I leaped the vlog hurdle,
and I'm so vlogtorious,
take a look,
I'm a symbol of determination,
now you could call a youtuber Prometheus, 
as forces securing the win, 
better believe I'm so Osiris, 
you know that I been bout my mom'ma,
even tho we vlogging now,
we used to live on the myspace,
even tho you see me higher level youtubing now, 
superseded every one of my youtube struggles, 
vlogging ideas never have been an option, 
you see the community long like Pippi Long Stocking's,
and I'm bout to take SMALL YOUTUBERS SHOPPING$$$$$$$$,
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, 
Get It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Together we made it(you see we did it),
we made it even tho we had our backs up against the wall(come on),
forever we waited(ha ha),
and they told us we were never gon'na get it all,
we took it on YouTube(to the riches),
on YouTube(to the ghetto),
on YouTube(in the present to this banging vlogumental),
on YouTube(ride with me),
on YouTube(we come to get it),
yeah, yeah, yeah, yoooooo :O 

When it all got started, 
I was constantly just getting neglected, 
and it seemed like nothing I could do could ever get me acknowledged, 
at best, I was DEATH,
at the worst, family and friends left me resented,
every vlog was a piece to the puzzle,
just a way to make sense of this,
I was frightening up my mind,
psychoing up my time,
embracing insomnia to see what insanity I would find,
I finally came alive,
to do this or die, 
so I put the vlogs on the table,
and told em to let it ride,
singing, YEAH!

verse 3:
Listen,
in case you misunderstand exactly what we're building,
things we can leave for our,
youtubers, youtubers, youtubers, CHILDREN,
now on my wake up I grin to see how far I've run,
fighting for subscriptions on the vid,
to embrace and support as one,
from nights of tears in a clench,
using my prayers son,
to counting subscriptions and views, 
like Miranda Sings, Zoella, and Jenna Marbles one, 
but now I give when I dream,
you see we finally did it,
let's make a boast of the army, 
rehash this how we hit it. 

Chester Bennington Alive In my Heart, Tonight

BLUR VS THE OUIJA BOARD DEMON: ZOZO - Part One: Obtaining The Ouija Board

                 
      "where do your roots, start, and where do your roots, end?"

Should have the ouija board, by tomorrow.

Excited, more pumped up than I thought I would be.

It just feels good to say to existence, "I am not afraid",
"I refuse to feel fear".

A lot of people will live their entire existence in fear, 
never realizing that fear is the prison,
the only way to truly break free is to overcome all fear and PAIN.

(you've got to be kidding me, just realized blogger has symbols/emojis, just took me almost 700 blogs, 5 years later👶)

So I get the ouija board, and I travel all the way through THE RABBIT HOLE🐰through out the other side, "break on thru, to the other side", and hopefully don't die, but it feels so relieving that I don't care. I battled my entire life with the fear of death, human mortality, I feel a weight lifted off of me.

I wouldn't want anybody to try anything like this, because evil sets out to destroy the innocent, the holy warriors on our side that live to fight against evil, help build and protect, and then there are all the innocent people in the middle, I wish them a happy peaceful life, never to be involved in anything like this, because some of us just have the warrior in us, we can't help but fight back, it is not for everybody, go enjoy life, don't even think about any of this stuff, focus on the light and the love.

Leave the demon slaying to ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ISOLATED HEARTS

hearts born on deserted islands
famished of loveless sunlight
banished from the realms of love
distinguished of hope 
hibernating
withering
away

till released
of unloves dismayed 
relenting upon
unrepenting bitter truths
of their worlds so fake
and if make-believe is ripe
then what is this reality

our hearts need to be left alone
on a throne of thorns and stones
a broken heart shrine
for the one that touched my heart
and the sadness of knowing
only she could make this heart whole again
forever goodbye
to a heart sailed away into the sea of LOST

a sacrifice to always love her