Welcome, I am Phillip, a human being possessed by a fallen angel named Blur, or just completely and utterly INSANE, not sure?
check out zee youtubessssssss. thnx
Wan'na make this as "ADHD" as possible? Because I am proud of my "ADHD", because it means I have to much blood flow to a certain area of the brain driving me insane but I maintain on a creative mind frame.
I've overcome so much, but I am just now finalizing the finishing touches on over coming the crutches through fight of *REBIRTH'* to become *REBORN* that been holding me back? I've been through some HELL? And I'm sure there's plenty more to come?
Been through the ringer of fiery hoops of the confusion wheel called; PSYCHOTHERAPY To a place of now attempting to build a life, the first steps are; (1)stability and structure, which I will be ready for step(2)getting a two day a week job, by the 1st of October, but, then after that(which has been my biggest weakness), the next step is going social media viral, which I'll have an extra 400 dollars a month(cause I'll give my mom 200), to invest towards creative video content, which is a LOT of money to me, an extra hundred a week to play with, you kidding me, I never seen that type of money, I never even touched money. And that is really AGONIZING for people that don't know what it is like to not be able to take care of your self properly, fend for your self, people must assume mental illness is a CHOICE but in the community I am in, they are the raddest people I have ever met.
And although things are pretty agonizing at the moment, just because of this tornadic cycle, battle of seroquel at night(about 100milligrams), and then that makes you so zombified in the morning, so I drink so much caffeine, and I just made it through a MAJOR bout of depression. And now I've finally reached the point where I just won't take seroquel for sleep anymore, if I sleep, I sleep, if I don't, oh well. And I've finally gotten over caffeine. I drink only tea, which is really healthy, but I am so over caffeine, I will drink tea only medicinally when a headache from HELL arrives. And now I really need therapy to finalize the preparation for the last 10 days of this month, my goal is next month to have a fully stable month. An entire month stable. And once I'm completely in the clear, abstinent, got all my disciplines in place, and I am "mental illness rehabilitated", I am going to do a year COUNT before I start working on two 'self-help'style books, one about my experience with addiction, and one about my experience with mental illness, because I been through 8 years of each, I paid my dues, no more, I am done with all of this stuff. They won't be books about giving advice, more about hope and faith, but need at least 3 years completely stable before one can even give any advice, because right now, I know NOTHING?
Just a little of what I am going thru every single day. (at least I got hilarious gifs to make me laugh) , when you don't even get one comment a day on your entire social media built platform, this world can really make you feel like a piece of shit. And I imagine people have it way worse than me, because I'm just laying dormant. Cause I refuse to be peoples pawns, galavanting around, prancing around for people, begging for them to subscribe, or like and share my stuff, because all the YouTubers I've seen rise, they all interact socially, that's how they grow, and I'm a rebel, I refuse to put on this mask and pretend that I want to interact. I AM A REBEL! A Lone-Wolf, 100% Pure-Bread.
Even on Twitter, you got all these, 'teenie boppers', twitter people seem cruel, they're all out there scamming with the so called, "FOLLOW BACK" crowd, where if you follow them, they're saying that they'll follow you, but if you look closely, they'll have over a 100,000 followers, but they're only following 50 people, AND THEY DON'T EVEN USE THIS SOCIAL MEDIA POWER FOR ANY DARNED PURPOSE, give me that many followers, and watch me freaken, soar baby.
What a lonely existence, where a mentally ill loner can't even find a morsel of acceptance by his own fellow species, HUMAN, on freaken social media, it is sad.
And then when I walk into the living room, Family Feud is on the telly every single darned night, I realize how trapped in some purgatoric monotony I am in. I mean that I am trapped in these four walls, everyday/everything is the same. Life is too short for that. i need ADVENTURE. I can't afford to go anywhere. And I can not have friends. I'm too broken!
I subscribe to everybody. I share peoples stuff. As long as I know they're not these scammers coming on there, "Hey. hello. So amazing to meet you on here. You can view all my stuff, here #$%@#$. Be sure to follow me at #%$%^$#. I'm not kidding. I get this crap all day.
Then if someone likes your stuff, but you don't conversate back with them for hours on end about meaningless dribble, they leave never to come back, because you see, if they can't get something from you, they don't care about being kind, and doing the right thing. This is "Social Media".
I came across someone with claim saying that they are famous. And they weren't, but, if that was their definition of fame, they don't think big enough. That is like me saying that I am famous. i don't even have FAKE fame.(you know, when you go viral on the internet, you're not really famous, you're known by a small area of social media people, but that's really it, but your inflated ego tells your self that you are FAMOUS).
I can't even get fake fame. At least I would have money coming in.
I haven't gotten out at all this Spring and Summer because I had an actual social/community failure, it ended up driving me further into reclusive isolation, which I call, -solitude.
This world better hope that I never succeed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is the internet? An Alien Monitoring System?
But, there is no turning back. There is only moving forward. Till the very END.
What do you got in here, you want a little slice of MENTAL ILLNESS what do you want to hear, some, hyperhidrosis disorder/some ADHD/some Extreme Suicidal Ideations/some addictive personality/PTSD/OCD/GAD/Schizoid Effective/Paranoid Delusional Schizophrenic with icing on top/some bi-polar manic insomniac agoraphobic paranoia/some Dissociative Identity Disorder/anti-social personality, what do you want?
Tomorrow I am hoping that Hurricane Hermine hits over here in good'ole, 'too long of an island', New York, so I can get out there in the eye of the storm with my trusty ole video camera, and have some fun, and feel *REBORN* and happy to be alive, with whatever is left of me?
I haven't had a social life in almost 20 years, something potent has to come from that?
I have to succeed GLOBALLY cause that would be my happy ending.
Deeper into the rabbit hole we go! (HAHA I just really needed to vent, I have no idea what I'm talking about. Maybe tomorrow will be fun. Maybe I'll just start having fun and not even focus on succeeding, see where that road takes me, maybe to DEATH?)
