Welcome, I am Phillip, a human being possessed by a fallen angel named Blur, or just completely and utterly INSANE, not sure?
check out zee youtubessssssss. thnx
Feeling Rusty; alien boy. Child of God; always humanoid. . , till the imminent death, -'I know it's coming any minute'-, destined to be headed towards a ever so tragic ending, poetic, bloody, I wouldn't have it any other way, -'the denial of acceptance'-, uncomfortable in my own skin, , naked and exposed', ...peel my skin off and let me breathe..., drown me in the water to death and cleanse me of my sins... I feel trapped! I can't function!! Every moment is a fight to hold together my crumbling pieces. Will I ever be whole? In this world, I don't know.
I feel it is time to put this message out, perfectly clear. If I die, I'm not dead, none of us are. We are out there somewhere. I have fought so hard to build my spirit(ascension), to become a powerful spiritual being(Deity)after I die. You can pray to me and I will show up. This war against evil? Evil is growing, hell is growing, things need to be done about it. If you are alive and able to pray, you are so needed in this world, don't ever feel that you are not needed, or welcome, or loved. None of us know how much time we have left, I'm getting bolder. Going to a haunted asylum alone at night to become a deity, by being a psychic conduit, an empath, hyperhidrosis, I can go and connect with the ghosts in a lonely injustice understanding, and attempt to heal and cleanse the lost souls to be redeemed so they can move on and find peace, and in this quest I will attempt to do a 'archangel invocation ritual', to ask God to cleanse the entire asylum of lost souls for redemption, and to deify me. Into a deity. So if I don't make it back, until I see you again, goodbye.
Love Motivated Me, and is my biggest torment. Love has motivated me to wage war against evil, Love is seeing the suffering of the world, cause I am looking at my SELF. We live in a world where Love is not allowed to THRIVE, where the wall of Love, is met by a wall of HATE. You have to fight for Love, with everything you've got. You've got to protect it.
I was birthed with a shattered heart, have you seen the world we live in? I wage WRATH against the devil, because someone like me will never be allowed to have Love. I am not superman because Love has become my Kryptonite, cause the only way to be STRONG, is to avoid Love.
, this is what Love has made of me, do you see?
(poem I wrote from journal therapy group question; What motivates you?)
This is a blog diary about dissociation. Finding comfort in morbid withdrawal. Drowning your self in depression and despair that there is no hope for what we want, or love most? I found relief in letting go of all hope. It's not meant to be a sad blog, but a soft goodbye, a defense mechanism of your soul.
"Complete detachment from the world, plugged into God, the only way to understand complete connection." Ready Your Self!
When you've been as wounded as I have? We all break in different ways. Pain changes us all in different ways.
Been through some serious HEART BREAK in life, and feel that is the root of all this, you know there are so many types of HEART BREAK, this world breaks our hearts.
But not being able to be with the woman I love, is the worst, and it is a learning lesson, feel God is teaching to LET-GO, MOVE-ON(always), and fully SURRENDER!
I feel ready to die. Most of the time deep down I want to die. Because we are not allowed to live.
I go to haunted asylum alone, I face God, I face Ghosts, and I go there with the mindset that I am not going to make it back, that that is my last day alive.
It is just a mindset, but we have to face our mortality. And there is this soul, this one special soul that my soul cannot live without, and my soul bleeds in tears for her.
I go with the determination to be DEIFIED that night.
To come back from that mission, EMPOWERED, with Gods protection. And the ability to empower people and awaken what is hidden deep inside of themselves so that they can know their personal individual POTENTIAL.
Everyone is special, but this world doesn't let us be special!
(the one soul that means more to me than the Universe, and it is sick to feel that much)
MENTAL ILLNESS STIGMATA? Hope to have a video to go along with this. People stigmatize people with mental illness, People in my family have disowned me and neglected me forever, with a vibe that, "He needs to get a job" "He doesn't want to work", no empathy(able to put yourself in another's shoes)or sympathy, or love or compassion at all, even to the point where sons don't take care of their disabled mom, and millionaire brothers don't take care of their disabled sister. My mom cried on Mother's Day, and on her Birthday two days ago :(....... (Stigmata movie starring Patricia Arquette)
HOW ABOUT I STIGMATIZE THEM AS UNCARING AND HEARTLESS(kvntz)BECAUSE IT SURE LOOKS THAT WAY? HMMMMMM?
So what is MENTAL ILLNESS STIGMATA you say? I define this as mental illness doesn't have to be just a curse, it can be a gift as well, in native cultures they believe the mentally ill are divine or touched by holiness, I feel that is because people with mental illness are sensitive to the world, we can feel what's really going on and are more affected by it, it is important to live as pure and as med free toxin free as possible with having mental illness, I feel, also, in Haitian, Voodoo, Afrikan cultures I read that they believe people with multiple personality may be a DIETY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! DEIFY MY CRAZY A$$ THEN, I'M ALMOST READY("Schizophrenia", but I'll get to that later).
Well, I just made it up this morning, because a stigmata is a Holy curse and a gift, first let's look at what a stigmata is?
Stigmata is a term used by members of the Christian faith to describe body marks, sensations of pain in locations corresponding to the crucifixion wounds of Jesus Christ, such as the hands, wrists, and feet.
(first)(age 5)I HAVE HYPERHIDROSIS DISORDER? I relate to the movie Stigmata because hyperhidrosis disorder is profuse sweating of the hands, underarms, and feet, and I had my fingers slammed in many doors at the age of 5, the main one in a car door while my hand was in a cast in the hospital parking lot, and just realized last month at age 36 that the scar on my finger nail is on my ring finger so I was born broken hearted :( and also have a bizarre fire/flame birthmark(a beautiful birthmark I must say), on my right thy, which I believe is the markings of a future DEITY to go to hell and defeat Lucifer(Satan, Asteroth, Mammon, Beelzabub, however ya say the name, and all the other demons of hell releasing all the lost souls of hell), The Hidden Prophecy of ARIES RISING, but that is "SCHIZOPHRENIA" so we'll get to that later on :3 I figured out that hyperhidrosis is a psychic phenomenon and people that have it should not mess with their bodies, God made you this way, it's a gift and a curse, learn how to live with hyperhidrosis, even tho it drives you completely bonkerz INSANE
forever heart broken and loveless=eternal sadness
My Hyperhidrosis Disorder makes me feel that I'm dipped in FLAMES all the time :(
(second)(age 7)I HAVE ADHD? ADHD is a weird one, creative, seemingly distracted but actually focused on whatever interests you, an opportunity to let the person with ADHD just focus on what they are interested in, instead of trying to medicate and numb them down to your selfish will, preventing them from hyperfocusing on their PASSION and allowing them to blossom and excel(curse and a gift?).
(third=dual diagnosis)(addiction/substance abuse/chemical dependency)(age 12)Stealing alcohol from under the liquor cabinet to face the bullies at the bus stop. Age 13 started smoking marijuana to fit in with the skateboarder group, age 14 started doing heroin, felt like I found the holy grail, took away my sweating, anxiety, and fear. Been sober from heroin 10 years or more(proud of self), but been trapped in a DXM Obsessive Compulsion abuse the past 5 years, but we'll get into that later. I always say my first addiction was laughter? Cause of the chemicals you get from mad laughter, is similar(BETTER)than a drug high. It's tough to get the laughter back! You couldn't take me to a church or a funeral as a kid(problem child, but that's another story)I would laugh hysterical from the moment I wake up, till sleep, while going to sleep, and even would laugh in my sleep.
(fourth is SUICIDE)(age 17)I know people feel suicide should have a whole mental illness classification/spectrum all by itself, I agree, because my suicide changed everything, I never got my life back I been fighting for REDEMPTION ever since, almost 20 years now, is 20 years of my suffering enough? You see now my mental illness has a lot to do with religion/and/faith. "If you commit suicide you go to hell?", so they say? And when I committed suicide I was pronounced dead in my moms arms, out of body experience, I lost my soul that day, and for the next 8 years I chased death through heroin overdoses to get my soul back, over 50 overdoses I kept crossing over till my last 2 overdoses I had a heaven and hell, sucked into the portals of heaven and hell out of bodyexperiences(leading to schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder at age 25), when I got my soul back God told me that my name is now BLUR! My spiritual identity, rebirth; REBORN! Now I plan on killing my self on my 55th birthday on live broadcast sending my self to hell to defeat Lucifer. Oh Well
(depression/anxiety/ocd/PTSD/paranoia/hypochondria/germophobia)I mean when does it end?) (fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, fiftieth?"SCHIZOPHRENIA?"(The Warriors Against Evil?)MULTIPLE PERSONALITY? I think I don't hear voices because ghosts can't mess with me, they're too low level and I'm too close to God, but we'll see when I go to do a blood ritual Archangel Invocation at the haunted asylum(I'll probably get killed by a ghost frozen in rigor mortis, BUT! I know my life is going to end in tragedy, nothing like a tragic ending, and I want my ending to be poetic, and so far getting killed by a ghost found rigor mortis is pretty sweet poetic) :D
We'll end it here, just some food for thought.
THIS WORLD IS UNBEARABLY OVERWHELMING FOR ALL OF US?
