A BLUR DIARY: HUNGRY FOR LIFE(Kelli Ali Edition)

(Kelli Ali - The Hunter)
As I sit here at 4:15 AM in the morning(duh), listening to KELLI ALI, of the Sneaker Pimps, because she has this new song/music video that she just came out with yesterday, because I follow her on facebook, and is my 100% feminist/resentment towards "men" because all the male figures in my life have been nothing but TERRORble since the day I was born? I am listening to the only album Kelli Ali made with the Sneaker Pimps - "Becoming X", and thinking how those narcissistic "men" of the band couldn't handle her being in the spotlight, that nobody cared about them, they wanted to see the front-woman of the band, so those douche-bags kicked her out of the band. But that album is GENIUS/PERFECTION. Anyone who says that perfection doesn't exist, is obviously not a music lover(or an animal lover-or a people lover). I am going to listen to all of her albums!
(Sneaker Pimps - Becoming X)

So the bottom line is seeing Kelli Ali still pouring her heart out into her art, since 20 years ago.=Their loss! And it is a clear message to me, I feel, to get lost in your ART(your creativity), forget about this ugly violent world.

But I got SERIOUS problems right now.
Waking up to no food.
Took two multi-vitamins that I luckily had at 1 AM, in the morning(duh).
BUT MY MOM WILL BE WAKING UP TO NO FOOD THIS MORNING(thanx bruv).

I get """""1,200 DOLLARS''''''' to contribute every month, I live with my mom, I have mental illness, my mom has physical disability and is barely clinging to life, and I wake up every morning with my mom to do my best to make her; happy, and healthy, and laugh and be happy=I DO MY PART!!!!!!!!!!! I now have to pray that my mom passes PEACEfully in her sleep. She will be *PURE *ANGEL *RESTORED OF BEAUTY *SPIRITUAL BEING, it's LIFE that is PAINful.

I am going to look for a job this month of February.
Plan on buying new camera,
and through Spring and Summer,
I am going to travel, be a local/travel vlogger, and have gas money/food money, take better care of my mom, give my mom 1/3rd of whatever money i make, I can work 2 days a week, and I will scour the internet for all, cheap/free events on Long Island and New York, collect whatever success I can muster up by the end of Summer. If I go viral I will start IMMEDIATELY my million-dollar Kickstarter/Go-Fundme campaign, to start a shirt/clothing mental illness/mental health themed company to support all my friends with mental illness.

THE SKY IS NOT THE LIMIT!

I start a brand spanking new semester at my mental illness community, today.
I call it, "OPENING DAY",
and I am literally driving there on an empty tank of gas(thanx bruv).
Got to go in opening day SWINGING(and begging. for food. because I am HUNGRY).

KARMA ain't a b!tch, 
KARMA is a STITCH,
to the wounds that bad people do!
(Sneaker Pimps - Post Modern Sleaze)

OVER?

the DEPRESSION and TRAUMA of PHILLIP 2(P!nk Edition)

REVENGE is PERTINENT?

NO!!!!!

FORGIVENESS is PERTINENT?

NO!!!!!

*JUSTICE* is PERTINENT!!!!!

and KARMA is not a b!tch.
KARMA is a best friend of mine,
and KARMA is coming for you all.

And now after all the people that have hurt me,
and all the people that have caused me pain,
I stand alone and am ready to CONQUER THE WORLD!

No"body" stands in my way.
How many "people" stand in your way,
of full liberation,
and really going after your wildest DREAMS?

You'll never have me on your side.
And you better pray that I don't reach the stars.

If Success is Revenge,
then I will reach the STARS,
and I will gather every other STAR I come across,
and we will SHINE down upon you all,
so BRIGHTLY,
we will BLIND you all,
from our RADIANCE! 

I know somewhere out there, someone is seeing this thinking, "Oh noooo. HE'S FIGHTING HARDER :( "
Darn right I am fighting harder!
My eyes BULGE at the thought of my; haters, doubters, people rooting for my failure, knowing I am gaining on their ass, and one day. I am coming for you all. 

BLURrrrrrrrrrrr :)

the DEPRESSION and TRAUMA of PHILLIP(Korn Edition)

This is going to be RAW so buckle yourselves in.

A lot of this is about how 'human beings' hold us prisoner in life. Captive. Hostage. Their bizarre forms of abuses. Imprisoning our minds, and our dreams. Paralyzing us from advancing forward, building the life that we deserve. And because we don't do this to people, it is very ALIEN to me that people do this to me.

(#1)issue people go thru, is family.
(#2)is people you encounter on a daily basis.
Sometimes I feel we'd be so much better off choosing to walk this world completely alone, because people will not stop wounding.
(#3)is people that approach your life, they do not leave you alone.
They want to hurt, take from you.
(#0 before everything, is the ongoing desire for Love. To meet/find that one special person. This desire alone causes so many people so much PAIN)

There is this one type of trauma, I now call, "Deja Vu Trauma", defined as a traumatic events/places/scenarios/situations that keep reoccurring, that feeling of, "How many times have I been in this situation, before?", maybe you took your mother to the doctor with the car on an empty tank of gas, no money for food or water, your mother on her deathbed, and you having mental illness and people that supposedly care about your mother(forget about me, no one EXCEPT my mom cares), just seems a bizarre COINCIDENCE that people never seem to be around when the real suffering begins and your mother is in so much AGONY on her deathbed that she says she just wants to go home and go to sleep and never wake up. Maybe you have a cousins that if they were in your position you would've done anything for them, but no, they let you drown, with not an ounce of concern, ever. Maybe you've been parentally abandoned. Most of the men treat women like dirt, and the millionaires let their siblings just deteriorate and PERISH(die), not even right before their very eyes, nothing like pure neglect and not even having your suffering acknowledged you're not even worth acknowledging, you're purely invisible, that's even worse. What if certain people from your past view your blog rooting for your failure? What do you do when you are watching your mother fade away and all the people that "supposedly care" do nothing?

THIS IS PHILLIP'S?
(or the beginning of it)
(you'll be LUCKY?)

I now feel I don't want to say anything else, 
we'll just have to see what the future holds?

Many have hurt PHILLIP really bad?
But I BLUR am motivated to *CONQUER* everything!

When do you get to a place where you REBEL and kick EVERYBODY out of your life? Build your own world, and those that hurt you are not welcome? Cause it seems that that is what it takes? To FORGIVE maybe? To end the PAIN