Reflecting on what never was, and never will be

(wrote this on 4/26/18 the sadness of psychic, posting this on 8/24/18 wrote this right before my mothers death?💔💔💔)
I'm searching for a place,
where I look forward to death.
there's nothing for me here, there never was.
when you spend your entire life, waiting for life to begin,
but it's not allowed to begin,
because of how cruel the human race is.

Thinking back to 1994 when this song came out,
almost 25 years ago,
and this song always seems to find it's way back into my life,
and it immediately makes me long to die,
in a good way because there is nothing for me here.

1994 was around the time my life started to fade away,
and she has this one song in this blip of time in the universe,
that touched so many souls,
and wonder how it still ends up touching mine,
what is this beautiful universe trying to tell me?
I think it is trying to tell me,
it's time to pack up my bags,
and let go,
it's over,
it always has been.

GOD IZ LOVE

my heart is over,
my heart never was,
and never will be.

and as I long for death,
as I watch my mom fade away before my eyes,
because no one cares,
no one helps,
we're hungry,
my mom gave me the death talk,
and I'm angry at the worlds,
11 years later on youtube,
nobody has ever heard my cries,
it shows how cruel this world really is,
having mental illness taking care of my disabled mom,
as an aspiring fashion designer I've made 50 shirts now(49),
and it's heartbreaking every day to see the currency at "0".

my heart breaks every day,
every day this world breaks my heart.

and I don't ever want to know love,
I don't ever want to feel love,
love is the prison,
that I must be freed from.

~blur

SEVERE SCHIZOPHRENIC DEPRESSION

I had a breakdown,

I'm severely depressed by my loneliness,

I've never been loved,

never had a girlfriend,
or experienced love,

I cannot be social any longer,
I need to hide away for the next entire year,
just to become strong enough to handle,
that I will never have love,

I believe in soul mates,
so love is not a choice to me,
it is not up to me,
this human temporary love,
love is sacred,
I could never have synthetic love,
or give synthetic love to try and fill a void,
like most human beings do,

I don't talk about this because people hit on me,
like I am "on the market",
it's very hurtful to do that to someone.
(it's uncomfortable)

I went to a baptism,
it hurt to be forced to be social,
I can't handle anymore being around women,
I'm too sad and lonely,

women are too beautiful,
the most beautiful creatures in existence,
to me,
this goes deep,

and it hurts when someone tries saying they have feelings for you in that way,
but you don't feel that way,
so their fake caring about you doesn't last long,
and they end up resenting you for being FREE,
you know how FREAKING bad that hurts?

and even worse,
a message from God recently,
that, "What you really seek, is ME",
"You can see me in their eyes,
you will be tempted to give yourself to them,
but you must stay strong,
and not break."
(am I allowed to express this, or oh, I'm not allowed to)

you know how messed up it is,
for a schizophrenic to hear something like that,

and even worse,
I hate being a man because of how much women hate men,
and what men have down to women,
I hate being human because of how CRUEL the human race is,
I can't win,

and even worse,
the heartbreak I feel,
from someone I thought cared about me,
threw me away like trash,
I just wanted her in my life,
I didn't ask for that,
I would've died to know she cared at all,
even just a little,
but instead faced the nightmare that she didn't care at all.

I'm destroyed.

I am counting down the days,
and hiding away from the world for an entire year,

I don't want to see sunlight,
I want to see a dark room,
with me curled in the corner hugging a pillow,
praying, why?

I already told my mom,
I can't be social anymore,

I'm surprised I'm talking about this,

and to make matters worse,
the two days before the baptism,
a really bad person tried to steal the youtube army name,
and the rabbit hole goes deep,
some people I thought were my friends were involved,
and I had to fight to get this person to do the right thing,

my mind SNAPPED

now I live my life preparing for whatever villain is going to show up next?

nobody understands 
(written right before my mom died, ouch)

(Day 5)BLURZ REBORN: REDEMPTION(Gloomy Sorry)

", and in my soul, SORROW,
and in my heart, DESPAIR,
to break away from what is HUMAN,
because HUMAN would mean that I have to STAY,
and false promises turn to CLAY,
as we try to break the MOLD,
of what is temporary,
we yearn for longevity,
as eternal waves crash into our realizations,
that most of these chance encounters,
are built on false hopes as dying dreams succumb to their last agonizing breath,
I watch in horror as there is nothing I could do for them that I haven't been able to do for my self, either,
and the TRUTH?
We are all lost in the universe,
with nowhere to really call home."

(Day 4)BLURZ REBORN: REDEMPTION(Cutting It Close)

I would say,
today,
I kicked some hater, A$$

Meaning,
as a psychic,
I felt the hatred from a lot of people,
towards me,
in my circle of life,
I have not hatred in my heart.

I feel like a curse to bad people,
I felt this huge wave of karma,
and I even noticed that the un-genuine people,
lurking in my circles,
has awakened almost fully,
activated,
the karmic potency in my soul.

To UNLEASH karma,
they have been taking bad falls like Humpdy Dumpdy
(however ya spell it, I like it with the "D")

but I'm schizophrenic,
so what do I know,
but I stood my ground,
and hit a new level of,
DETERMINATION,
and,
FOCUS.

Cutting it close, it is 11:38 as I am typing this,
I want to be committed to writing a blog this entire 365 day period,
as long as I have breath of life,
and fingers to type.

GoodNightCruelWorld

(wow, finishing this at 11:54 cutting it CLOSE,
fought a hard fight today,
kicked some serious tail)

I thank you for making me want to die

I thank you for making me want to die,
because wanting to die,
is a relief,
in a world,
where you've never been allowed to live,
thank you.

(Day 3)BLURZ REBORN: REDEMPTION

Today's really too hurtful to write,
the pain people cause me,
everyday,
the pain that I feel,
every waking moment,
rebirth and redemption is more about,
being reborn and redeemed upon death,
because this world,
and how overwhelming the human race is,
is a feeling of endless hopelessness,
realizing there may not be any escape,
except?

(Day 2)BLURZ REBORN: REDEMPTION - I've Broken Free?

Day two, of REBIRTH,
kind of feel happy?

Just focused on the creative lifestyle,
it is an escape,
you see,
this is called, "reality",
is actually fake,
I've never been able to fully put my finger on it,
and live my final days on a mission,
to seek TRUTH.

But what is TRUTH?(I don't think, you want to know, carry on not knowing, like when we were kids, and happy)

TRUTH to me, is Fantasy(Spiritual Dimensions/Realms of Existence);
Imagination,
is more REAL than believing this horrid life laid out before you,
is REALITY,
it is NOT,
because knowing that this world is fake,
money, working a dead end job, material possessions,
"HUMAN" "LOVE",
is all so fake and temporary,
as a super intuit,
not only can I see into the core of people's souls,
I can also see their future.

Most have no idea the HORRORS that I have foreseen,
in their future,
and the crazy thing is,
the most genuine,
eternal souls,
have the brightest futures,
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,?

Or maybe it's that I am a walking talking voodoo doll to the devious,
that crosses my paths,
and it is set in stone,
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,?