Reflecting on what never was, and never will be

(wrote this on 4/26/18 the sadness of psychic, posting this on 8/24/18 wrote this right before my mothers death?💔💔💔)
I'm searching for a place,
where I look forward to death.
there's nothing for me here, there never was.
when you spend your entire life, waiting for life to begin,
but it's not allowed to begin,
because of how cruel the human race is.

Thinking back to 1994 when this song came out,
almost 25 years ago,
and this song always seems to find it's way back into my life,
and it immediately makes me long to die,
in a good way because there is nothing for me here.

1994 was around the time my life started to fade away,
and she has this one song in this blip of time in the universe,
that touched so many souls,
and wonder how it still ends up touching mine,
what is this beautiful universe trying to tell me?
I think it is trying to tell me,
it's time to pack up my bags,
and let go,
it's over,
it always has been.

GOD IZ LOVE

my heart is over,
my heart never was,
and never will be.

and as I long for death,
as I watch my mom fade away before my eyes,
because no one cares,
no one helps,
we're hungry,
my mom gave me the death talk,
and I'm angry at the worlds,
11 years later on youtube,
nobody has ever heard my cries,
it shows how cruel this world really is,
having mental illness taking care of my disabled mom,
as an aspiring fashion designer I've made 50 shirts now(49),
and it's heartbreaking every day to see the currency at "0".

my heart breaks every day,
every day this world breaks my heart.

and I don't ever want to know love,
I don't ever want to feel love,
love is the prison,
that I must be freed from.

~blur