SOMETHING'S BREWING?

You know I'm always up to something?

And really, nobody deserves to know.
I opened up my heart and soul to people, 
and what did that get me,
where did that leave me,
holding my drowning heart
like a fish out of water
begging for air(love).

Now this fish is turning into?

Ok I don't know,
I don't have anything after,
"now this fish is turning into",
this tadpole is turning into THE KRAKEN
release the KRAKENNNNNNNNNNN,
The Kraken was a very bad boy,
I am defo not the kraken...

but something BIG is brewing,
from one community,
to starting my own activist community,

INTO THIS FREAKING COMMUNITY I JUST DISCOVERED
(got an invite)

I CALLED OUT TO GOD FOR AN ANSWER,
GOD RESPONDED,
AND I AM PICKING UP THE PHONE,
AND SHOWING UP,
WITH BELLS ON,
or a green dinosaur onesie,
so to have all eyes on me,
that would be the way to network at this(.......)event,
that will be the calling card to strike up conversations.

this community will understand me so well
(no they won't hur hur hur hurrrr :(........

I guess I can give one hint and basically say,
this is an activist community of MAD SCIENTIFIC/INNOVATIVE/SPIRITUAL MINDS
just like me, but they are able to PROVIDE????????????

they will have my BACK boy,
and "wait till they get a load of me" boy

and I know they will hire me,
going to my first event October 7th?

this is some HARDCORE elite industry event, boy,
and I am going there dressed in a green dragon ONESIE

I have never been this excited before in my life,
finally,
some real HOPE

And this is all about God,
something I realized,
God's Love is the only Love that never hurt me,
something to really think about,
as my shattered destroyed heart and soul begs this universe for healing,
for safe keeping, never to be revealed to this world,
ever,
again.

I just can't believe I found this community.
This movement.

Going to the first industry event/after party.

, and it seems my quote is sad but true,
"there is nothing more motivating, than a broken heart" ~ blur

, and I think I'm going to attempt to defeat the OUIJA BOARD at the beginning of November, ALONE(they say don't do it alone), pour Holy Water on it, call upon the archangel's, and then say the Goddess Demon's name, "Lamia", from the movie, Drag Me To Hell, if I could slay any demon right now, it would be that vile filth.

Because I would do ANYTHING for God,
for loving me as much as God has,
means so much to me,
to be and feel loved.
I would sacrifice my SOUL to hellfire for all of eternity,
for God, like Isabel Dodson, the psychic conduit TWIN from Constantine.
She loved God that much!

stay tuned

FACING THE TRUTH - FACING MY SELF

Facing The Truth
Facing My Self
Facing My Thoughts
Facing My Feelings

I do believe what someone said;
"you've got to look at your self"
"what is wrong with me?",
and I am taking a hard look at my self.
I feel that I hold a woman up to divine feminine goddess status,
on a pedestal,
and don't feel any woman can ever look at or feel about me that I am divine,
I could never really be loved.
Eternal lovers find it harder to find love,
I can see right through temporary lovers,
who really wants temporary love.

Now I'm really too damaged to ever have love,
it is too late,
I let love drift out to the infinite sea of existence,
I accept that I could never have love.

This is why I am taking a year long break from the world and avoiding human interaction at all costs and at every turn, have 360 days left to go, to try to heal my heart and soul if there is any chance of living any longer, wrap my heart and soul up for safe keeping, give my heart and soul up to God for protection never to be touched ever again(not that it was ever touched, it was stabbed brutally), and keep my heart and soul off limits from this world, if I am allowed to live longer, I will be a WARRIOR

I am not unlovable,
none of us are,
I just could never be loved in the right way,
and I know that. 

I let it all go,
that's why I write about it.
No one may ever see this writing,
until I'm dead and gone,
and I wouldn't have it any other way.

IS NOT THAT THE TRUTH

BEAUTY MAKES ME WANT TO DIE

A blog in honor of Mazzy Star,
because this song always finds me,
it is timeless,
and beauty is meant to be eternal,
and sometimes the feeling is just to die when a human being is at their most beautiful and just leave this wretched world behind,
that's how I feel, this world keeps ripping me apart,
I'll never even get the chance.

I'll always see her as this,
this song always finds me, 
and I never seen this version,
and it made me feel,
"BEAUTY MAKES ME WANT TO DIE",
and I've never tasted the beauty of a woman,
I've never been touched by love,
no woman has ever fallen in love with me,
I have never been loved,
I have no idea what being loved feels like,
I am the unloved of the world.

this beauty makes me want to die
that's poetry
death sounds so good

I know one thing is for sure,
if I ever found true love,
I would treat a woman like a Goddess,
Holy,
Divine,
with
Honor,
and
Loyalty,
she would Empower me,
and make me a King,
and
I,
would make her a Queen,
cause her love would empower me.

"Beauty is haunting
Ghostly figures bestilled in the night
she left a casting shadow bestowed on my heart
and still, my soul will never get to touch hers,
like drifting ghost ships in the night with no pirates." ~ blur?
(I'm letting-Go)

you put your hands into your head, it's a fallen angel thing.