Blurz Lonely Unhappy HORRORween 2017: HeartBreak Slaughter(psychology breakdown)

I'm not really unhappy today,
but this is about me being unhappy because of being lonely and unloved my entire life.

I even have proof(look at the photo below, happy to think I made a friend, brutal, born with a broken heart, I even have a scar/broken nail on my ring finger)and memories since kindergarten and first grade, I always remember wishing for that best friend, that other half, and just never freaking happened, being alone and unloved my entire life has destroyed me, but also made me what I am today; an activist for dreamers and to help people and ease peoples suffering, and empathy, and a lot more, warrior against evil, cause the truth is, we live in a world that does not allow love to thrive, so we end up in a state that we have to fight for dear life for love.

I mean, my heart was just a prisoner for over a year and a half, a little over 2 months and a week from brutal heartbreak, I feel better now, because it was that heart pain, of, "I love having you in my life. I want you in my life more than anything in the Universe. But you don't feel any love for me at all" so you're in brutal agony, torment in your heart and soul, without realizing your heart was a prisoner to loving a person that could never care about you at all.

And I still find myself running to the phone.
And the program did call two days ago,
and I picked up in heart-pounding anticipation,
to feel so disappointed and hurt,
but I'm trying to get over that,
running to the phone like a sad puppy dog.

So right now, I'm happy because of my youtube friends,
I really need a break from this world,
healing,
a break from actual human contact,
I feel happier now being totally alone,
cause when you feel alone in a crowd,
or a community,
that makes you feel even more lonely,
God fills my loneliness,
but I will always yearn for that human companionship.

Never felt loved before,
have no idea what being loved feels like,
it's probably the best feeling in existence,
I'll never know.

And somehow, it feels like CHRISTMAS,
in my heart and soul,
I guess,
I feel free from the pain?

I even talked to my mom about getting eggnog(with nutmeg)next month,
excited about food shopping tomorrow,
have such an amazing nutrition plan,
but also have a death wish and want to self-harm,
because I wasn't good enough,
powerful enough,
dominant enough,
valuable or worthy,
to keep someone in my life,
so I am going up against the Ouija Board,
a deep hidden feeling that I want to be hurt or killed,
or, I defeat the Ouija Board demon ZOZO and become stronger and more powerful,
my heart can't take this world.

OH WELL

I can't believe

I can't believe,
how much I hate my self right now,
only thru the eyes of others,
otherwise I would love my self.

I can feel how much people dislike me,
all because I am trying to help,
all because I am trying to excel,
all because I am showing leadership.

Everyone wants to be a leader till they see how hard it is,
but what's the alternative,
hiding away from the world as a prisoner your entire life,
dying in regret,
or being out in the open,
saying,
"I know I am a prisoner here,
and one day,
I'm gon'na break free,"
so you embrace that.

I feel I just want to go to sleep and never wake up,
because I know what I am waking up to,
a world where I have to become even more dominant,
or the pain is just gon'na get worse.

And the only way to keep people liking you,
is to keep the supply coming,
cause as soon as the supply runs dry,
they will hate you,
resent you,
as soon as they doubt you can provide,
or that you are worthy,
they loath you,
the only way to stay afloat,
is to keep breathing the life of hope into them,
otherwise their fake love,
dries up.

but when I am away from this world,
I love my self?

Game Of Blurz: WintBlur Is Coming(Amy Lee/Evanescence Edition)

"so many things I would'a told you if I knew that I was never gon'na see you again"

Welcome to Game Of Blurz: WintBlur Is Coming.

This is all about CONQUERING your dreams, that we live in a world that is EXACTLY like Game Of Thrones, we have evil people, and beings, taking the thrones, and we have to fight BACK.

So this is my way of fighting back.

Embrace your soul, embrace your dreams,
to the max.

We're taking over the; mental illness/mental health, fashion, philanthropist, youtube, music, film, industries, and so much more?
(life of a 21st century aspiring deity)

And I will give, oh boy will I give, all of my self to people, to my human family, sacrifice till there is nothing left, till I am dead, till the nails scrape off, I will bleed for you, God.

So focused, and this time it's just me and God, I will not let this go for anything, no distractions, we all have a mission deep inside our hearts and souls, some are covered by denial of 'what we are?', this is human alien level, we are alien, we are builders, ascender's, creators, we advance, re rise, we protect, we fight, all that in between, is no good for the soul.

And anger and pain, is FUEL

Let us begin, shall we.

I'll see you at the bitter end

VERY HURT TONIGHT

Very hurt tonight,
and the truth is,
the only thing that makes me want to die,
is people,
when you make friends,
your friends hurt you,
I mean,
who can you trust,
you can't,
and you have to always be on guard,
until you break free,
into,
DEATH.

And although I deal with pain,
better than I ever have,
I still long to leave this place,
I yearn to not be human anymore,
because it was sold to us temporarily,
so temporarily,
that by the time you get it,
life is already over,
and even if you got it sooner,
this world will strip it from you.
So only death can be the answer,
and I am tired of wanting to live,
I don't anymore,
those days have long been passed,
the end is the only possible beginning,
there's nothing here.

Just a very hurtful night.

DEAR DEPRESSED DIARY

Life hurt,
soul hurts,
Empathy,
too much.

And as the night looms on,
a lingering sensation of hopelessness forever appearing.

And I know my pain makes people very happy,
so that's good.

And wars wage on without me,
because I have nothing to offer.

And love goes on,
without room to care for me,
because I'll never be good enough.

Forever broken,
without wanting to be fixed,
cause I would just break all over again,
because the only thing that could heal me is love,
and that's something I would never be allowed to have.

And synthetics fade quickly into the days,
as soon as the eyes open to this false reality,
and only dreamland,
sleep,
is the deepest lonely remedy for your loneliness.

A grip on the prayer,
as the tears dry.

The end does sure sound like a new beginning, to me.

sentimental moments never seen, forgotten nobody to remember

And death is the doorway out of this prison,
I search for the key.