Blurz Lonely Unhappy HORRORween 2017: HeartBreak Slaughter(psychology breakdown)

I'm not really unhappy today,
but this is about me being unhappy because of being lonely and unloved my entire life.

I even have proof(look at the photo below, happy to think I made a friend, brutal, born with a broken heart, I even have a scar/broken nail on my ring finger)and memories since kindergarten and first grade, I always remember wishing for that best friend, that other half, and just never freaking happened, being alone and unloved my entire life has destroyed me, but also made me what I am today; an activist for dreamers and to help people and ease peoples suffering, and empathy, and a lot more, warrior against evil, cause the truth is, we live in a world that does not allow love to thrive, so we end up in a state that we have to fight for dear life for love.

I mean, my heart was just a prisoner for over a year and a half, a little over 2 months and a week from brutal heartbreak, I feel better now, because it was that heart pain, of, "I love having you in my life. I want you in my life more than anything in the Universe. But you don't feel any love for me at all" so you're in brutal agony, torment in your heart and soul, without realizing your heart was a prisoner to loving a person that could never care about you at all.

And I still find myself running to the phone.
And the program did call two days ago,
and I picked up in heart-pounding anticipation,
to feel so disappointed and hurt,
but I'm trying to get over that,
running to the phone like a sad puppy dog.

So right now, I'm happy because of my youtube friends,
I really need a break from this world,
healing,
a break from actual human contact,
I feel happier now being totally alone,
cause when you feel alone in a crowd,
or a community,
that makes you feel even more lonely,
God fills my loneliness,
but I will always yearn for that human companionship.

Never felt loved before,
have no idea what being loved feels like,
it's probably the best feeling in existence,
I'll never know.

And somehow, it feels like CHRISTMAS,
in my heart and soul,
I guess,
I feel free from the pain?

I even talked to my mom about getting eggnog(with nutmeg)next month,
excited about food shopping tomorrow,
have such an amazing nutrition plan,
but also have a death wish and want to self-harm,
because I wasn't good enough,
powerful enough,
dominant enough,
valuable or worthy,
to keep someone in my life,
so I am going up against the Ouija Board,
a deep hidden feeling that I want to be hurt or killed,
or, I defeat the Ouija Board demon ZOZO and become stronger and more powerful,
my heart can't take this world.

OH WELL