BLOG THERAPY: "Messed Up" DIARY

'Welcome to the FREAK SHOW - it must feel good to be able to watch the HORROR from a far off distance while you curl up into your PERFECT life'
This month really messed my mind up.
I'm barely holding on.
Hopeless.
I'm tired.
Of the endless struggle.
I can't help but feel life is over,
this is the main reason I don't want to be around people.
I deal with my pain ALONE
I can not be consoled
I do not cry on a shoulder.

I sit here FATIGUED
In a dark room.
Hating my brother for his heartlessness.
Seeing my mom hungry and depressed.
My mom over a year recovering from a stroke,
I'm mentally ill,
I do not have a job,
or money,
he makes THOUSANDS,
and lets his mother starve.
I hate his guts.
He's been against me treating me like dirt since a kid.
I am finally walking away from him,
no matter what the consequences,
my self-respect is too high to be treated this way.
It is OVER!

This month was the worst it's been in a while,
and after 6 months of 5 days a week, 6 hours a day therapy,
I am finally down to one day of therapy,
gearing up to be stable enough to get a job this upcoming month,
and instead of building my self up the passed ten days,
because of my brother,
my entire life has been breaking down this passed ten days.
But I am gearing up to find a job,
so that me and my moms broken hearts,
won't ever have to rely on such a bad person as him.

He has hurt me my entire life.
I now walk away.
He has never been there for me,
I can only return the favor, 
now.

I sit here with my throat hurting.
It's just been that messed up of a month.
I'm depressed out of my mind.
I was almost off caffeine,
but this depression got me drinking caffeine till I'm blue in the face.
I'M A VICTIM!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe I'll drink some more caffeine and watch a HORROR movie?

I can't tell if I'm DYING,
or coming to LIFE?

And you know what's really messed up?
If I became rich I would just end up giving everyone in my circle of life, money, because that is the type of person I am. Generous. Thoughtful. Forgiving.
That's really messed up.
Because nobody deserves anything.

If you find this blog,
and you are struggling,
I have never had money,
I lost my life 18 years ago,
and have been fighting this war for *REDEMPTION*,
ever since,
and I will NEVER give up.
If anyone reads this that should've been there for me,
"THANX FOR BEING THERE FOR ME"
=SHAME ON YOU!

Thanks for all the LOVE!

There's no way to even vent this
I need round the clock professional help
but I am out of time
this is as good as it's gon'na get
I'm on my own
and I ride alone,
now.

Man, my entire BEING hurts...

There's no way back,
I'm too far gone.

PAIN: It's really sad how pain can make you crave revenge soo bad. And now I understand, why? Some people in this world do the things that they do. Experience their pain, and you will know. But don't ever break. Don't ever seek revenge, instead seek forgiveness, but I hope that people get what they deserve, cause I know I haven't.

SUCCESS: Just going to have to fight even harder

I FEEL MY LIFE IS OVER?