"THE ANGEL MAFIA": PAIN and TRAUMA and FORGIVENESS(#TRAGEDY)

As it snows like crazy out here, in 'to Long of an Island, New York', I brace my self for the storm of life. I want to be in the eye of the storm, where I can see things clear. Too far left, or too far right is life threatening, we have a triple threat tomorrow night; an eclipse, a comet, and a full moon all in one. Excited! But, it is the 9th of February, a time of the good ole', 'New Year, New Me', we all change with *Time. But I was ready to start looking for a job, I was pumped up feeling strong, then caught a cold, almost made it four years without catching a cold because I really been living an isolated life but now am around people a lot, it was inevitable but I am a hypochondriac so Armageddon hit my life and my life was OVER.

From the 9th of January to the 20th of January, I was sick, over-exaggerated like I was going to die, so around the 15th of January I gave in and drank some cough suppressant(dextromethorphan), and felt(angry at GOD), "Well, if you're going to treat me like Constantine(being sick and having to live off cough suppressant), well then I am going to ACT like Constantine". And of course that made everything 10 times worse. So I was angry at the whole world, at people and humanity, because this is what happens in society/the public/communities because the world isn't such a nice place and people aren't taken care of so people walk around ill and you have to avoid human contact LIKE THE PLAGUE.

So then my mom which barely leaves the house and has no human contact really, inevitably gets sick, almost dies, we're driving to the doctor on an empty tank, counting change to fill the prescription, mom suffering to death physically and financially, and no family that is suppose to care for her, a beautiful woman stripped of LIFE by this cruel world, not a family member in site. Just me, with mental illness, the only one taking responsibility because I love my mom. But my mom wanting to die, saying that she just wants to go home and go to sleep(and not wake up). And I pray for that peaceful passing for my mom.

I picture my mom in the after-life, beautiful angelic spirit being, I feel it is a little psychic gift to be able to see what people will be like in the spirit realm, but some people I see are devolving, maybe into mush, maybe a backwards reincarnation to a lesser being because of Karma and not a desire or hunger for GOD and building up of their spiritual self, I have spent the passed half of my life soul-searching building up my soul. But the obsession with health and being human(anthropology), I am convinced there is still hope. I become a health master, millionaire, get my mom a home and garden, my mom a million dollar credit card limit, a handsome chef for my angel mom, an at home gym, and LOTS OF DOGS AND CATS(and hopefully; love, marriage, holy matrimony, and *CHILDREN OF GOD*(i wish-heehee), because now you have to stay alive when you have dogs and cats.

This is the plan.
Get my mom all new teeth.
Take my mom to Israel to walk with Jesus.
Sounds simple enough.

I was so hurt at the end of January.
As always it is over money;
I get 1,200 dollars a month, have severe mental illness, and go to a mental illness community, and live with and take care of and keep happy and laughing and make my mom feel beautiful, but OH "he needs to get a job" "he needs to provide", meanwhile, my mom gets 700 dollars a month, my dad still to this day sends 500 a month(thanks to my dad), and "sibling", maybe around a 100 dollars all together, while his mother and brother starve and bow down and kiss the feet, kiss the ring of his holiness, kissing his ass, and for what, to get thrown a crumb that lasts a day and then got to grovel indignifyingly with such a feeling of AGONY.
And the it's "a loan" anyway.
But I was made out to feel all these years that "I help the LEAST",
that is some serious 'emotional abuse', it's pathetic, it's vampiryc, it's a psychopathic means of depriving people you supposedly love to torture them to feel, "they fugken NEED my ass"=fugken SICK(sicko)(all these years)

so i WRITE!!!!!!!!

to get the feelings out

I don't want people like that in my life.

Emotional Vampires!

But 9 days later I feel forgiving.
That I'll become rich and everyone I know I will make rich.
And because they all worship and love money so much, does that mean that they will finally love me?

FORGIVENESS
(if not for the other person, for self, and for GOD)

Then into the new month(cause every month it is a different thing),
my landlords knock and say that we owed them a 160 dollars which we only remember borrowing 100, and would NEVER BORROW THAT MUCH, oh my GOD a hundred and sixty dollars is a lot. I'm sure that's like 6,000 dollars to them, because would it prevent you from eating? It prevents us.

I'm really just sick of money.
I'm sick of people and their money.
I'm sick of people worshipping money and living as money is more valuable than an actual human being soul.
I've never met anyone that cares more about people than money?

Now I am looking for a job,
with 39 day countdown to Spring,
40 days and 40 nights of Lent beginning March 1st to Easter Sunday,
My Aries cycle beginning,
and a very blessed it's my YEAR OF THE FREAKEN FIRE ROOSTER BABY,
which only happens every 12 years, the year of rooster, but not since 1957 the fire element, which is aries too. I am feeling super dooper looper trooper lucky right now.

Become rich=money never an issue ever again=move far the hell away from EVERYBODY(maybe on a freaken island, seriously, with no phones to contact me, or nothing)=GOODBYE and;